I Want to Try With My Ex Again Later

Why getting dorsum with an ex is so compelling

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You broke upwardly, for good reasons. Then why practice so many onetime couples reunite further down the line?

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Earlier this summer, 17 years later on they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early on 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike can't look away.

But perchance the virtually relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what's otherwise a glory-gossip story is that exes found honey once again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin can be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who can't take a hint. Simply rebuilding a relationship tin can also be a tempting venture and fifty-fifty a goal for some people, specially when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the corporeality of couples who suspension up and go dorsum together is as loftier as l%.

The pandemic has fifty-fifty accelerated this process for some: amongst a global health crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people found themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to observe that one-time spark.

Experts say that, if both quondam partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if you're willing to put in a lot of piece of work, and accept an open mind.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-entering a former relationship is that you lot by and large know what you're getting into. "At that place can be some real advantages to really knowing a partner well earlier giving a long-term relationship a try once again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Constitute, an system that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic human relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, similar navigating a shared living space, money, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Fifty-fifty happy couples have them, since a human relationship is always fundamentally two different people with different personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex tin lead to a fairy-tale happy ending, but simply if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Constitute inquiry, these perpetual differences brand upward 69% of the problems most couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, slow-burning issues are the real relationship toxicant – non large, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Nigh marriages or relationships end past ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "discover information technology too difficult to talk about or piece of work on differences around key issues. They frequently grow more distant, and [go] more like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may desire to become dorsum together with an erstwhile partner, or to try and stick it out with their current ane. Because while we oftentimes go into a new relationship expecting information technology'll be meliorate than the last, McNulty urges some caution: "If yous're in a relationship and y'all're thinking almost leaving, be careful, considering you're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with 1 partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

So if you get back with an ex, yous at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You're picking upwardly where y'all left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sexual activity therapist, and offshoot professor of psychology and teaching at Teachers College, Columbia University, in New York Metropolis. For some people, it feels "better to go dorsum to someone that you kind of know something about, than someone you lot don't know anything almost".

Celebrating what'due south inverse

Some other benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's inverse in the time yous've spent apart. You may exist disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because you're not aware of how they might have grown and changed in a positive style over time. With an ex, you get more of a before-and-after snapshot. Kuriansky says ane of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women's networking organisation chosen FemCity, who'southward spoken publicly virtually how she remarried her ex-married man of xx years in 2019. "When we started to date once more, it was overnice considering we knew each other, but certain elements of us had changed," she says. "We both worked on areas we needed to piece of work on while apart, and nosotros were in many ways 'new' to ane another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful procedure while working through some of the pain from the pause-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to become me thoughtful gifts, and will now stop randomly and share his love for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time around."

Conversely, if you've spent a long time away from someone, get back together and find that yous fall into the aforementioned toxic patterns equally before with that person, that knowledge can be advantageous, as well. Sensing that you're going to run into the same headaches all again could give y'all the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel similar, 'oh gosh, maybe I tin work through that gridlock result nosotros had'," says McNulty. But he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable issues were before, and really take an honest look at whether or not everything's different now".

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, but the familiarity that exists can pb to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sex'

Before you start sliding into your ex'southward DMs, ask yourself why you're doing it – because enough tin go incorrect.

While one of the joys of getting back with an ex is the condolement or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort can be misplaced, especially lately every bit we seem to alive amid constant anarchy. Terminal May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University's Kinsey Plant, which studies sexual activity and relationships, suggested that as many equally ane in 5 people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call it 'apocalyptic dearest and sexual activity'," she says. "Which is, 'there ain't no tomorrow, so I better settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says information technology'due south common for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense there could not be a tomorrow – now with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", so they want to go back to a person who at in one case provided love and security.

Take a hard look at why you're reaching out to an one-time flame. Is information technology considering y'all're trying to repose anxiety from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an one-time flame, and not because yous really miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very real try of making it work? If information technology's the latter, take that as a cerise flag.

Kuriansky also advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family earlier pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the relationship ended desperately. But the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back down to Earth and remind you why the relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people's opinions. Most people will say, 'What? You're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring upwards all those memories, then how are yous going to deal with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be ready to confront those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, but with your ex themselves, which tin be the hardest role. "That is i piece that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the past in the past," says de Ayala. "At that place is so much history that tin can be dragged up, but there has to be a common agreement that from here forrad, forgiveness, advice and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what volition deport the relationship farther into the future, she says.

Many of us may observe ourselves longing for a lost love. If we go virtually information technology in a realistic, healthy way, it could, mayhap, work out – if both people are on the same page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

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